Owning and Repenting

A friend is going through one of those crazy times in life and ministry right now where she's not sure how she got where she is or how to get out. God has been speaking to her steadily and bringing much clarity which has brought upon repentance as well as joy and praise. It's been a privilege to watch even through her tears, because she is being set free to really live again.

This is what she has allowed me to share. A piece of her heart, so that you may be encouraged that managing, taking complaints to the top, and being a worker bee - is a dead end in leading others. Life, joy, the work of God - comes from deep change and allowing others freedom to create and step in.

This is what she writes to her leaders (followed up by connecting with them):

I want to share a little of my life with you guys. Over the last week or so God has been showing, challenging and growing me so much. He's revealing some of my misconceptions and disbelief's about Him. I'm finding I don't actually believe the truth about his character. And with that, I have misconceptions of myself and how He sees me. Over the last few weeks He has been revealing some of those unbelief's/disbelief's to me, and gently correcting me. I've had to confess, and then seek Him, which is one of the very issues I have been learning about - not wanting to seek or ask of God.

I want to share all this for 2 reasons. One to be open to what God is teaching me, doing in me, and share my life with you as you do with me. Two, because my sin effects you and our ministry. I see that when I lead I pass these doubts about God onto you, how can I not? It might be by taking away things you are gifted at, made to do or stepping in to take over in places maybe God is trying to reveal something to you or your volunteers hearts. In my unnecessary protection, I don't want to see you burdened at all and so I overcompensate.

I want to apologize for creating an environment that is not healthy, where i am not leading well, and where i just keep creating systems and such when I really need to let the internal burdens i carry go (sometimes to just to God, sometimes to you, sometimes to my leaders, to other staff, etc) and then stand back look at what we are doing, why we do it, and what I'm made/called by God to do in this ministry.

So, that is what I am doing, digging my way out and answering some questions. The biggest of which is why? Why am i doing what I'm doing? When I looked at all the words that came out as I answered this - people was the theme. I care for people! I want them to be taken care of, inspired, helped, and known. And I know you want the same which is why you are here.

I am so thankful for you, for your faithfulness, your love for the people God has brought us, your hard work, and the grace you have for me. I am blessed. Please pray for me as I learn to believe that God wants me to lean into Him and ask Him for help, and that this ministry doesn't revolve around me and my efforts.

My friend is beginning to be free from a cage of burden and to do lists that she had created and led her team in. She has not blamed staff, quit without going through the process God wanted to do in her, or shuffled all her responsibility onto her team. She instead...repented. Which doesn't mean asking forgiveness and doing the same. It means turning around. Simple, yet something many of us struggle to do. I'm looking forward to watching her team create and dream and listen to God's heart as they lead people.

Thank you friend for reminding us all the importance of owning, repenting and the humble attitude of a leader that frees us all.